Attack On: How To Fix Nintendo


Okay, so, basically, everyone in the entire gaming community seems to have a hard-on for trying to “fix” Nintendo. But, really, they’re all wrong. All of them. Absolutely everyone else is completely wrong in regards to fixing Nintendo. It’s well known that Nintendo itself is massively broken. So broken, in fact, that it indeed needs to be fixed. In this piece, we aim to look at what Nintendo has been doing, why they’re wrong about doing it that way and what they can do about fixing it. As well as anything else we can think of as we go. All those other lists seem to be written on the fly anyway, so we should follow suit for accuracy.

What they’re doing wrong, why it’s wrong and how to fix it.

Nintendo are known to be doing things in a massively incorrect way. So incorrect, that one could even label this as wrong. This thing that they are doing, of course, will vary from person to person, depending on who it is that you ask. However, they are wrong. They always will be wrong. And they are massively wrong. Because they didn’t write this piece. And even if something on this piece happens to be similar or the same as what they’ve stated, they are still wrong.

1. Having popular and iconic franchises.

This is is easily the first and foremost problem that Nintendo has. If you ask any person to list a video game character off of the tops of their heads, more than likely, they’ll use a Nintendo character of some description. Probably Mario.

Nintendo is completely wrong for creating some of the most iconic and memorable video game characters and franchises in gaming history. Why is this? Because, that’s why. I mean really, how could you not see it? Are you blind or something? It’s almost as though this is linked with success in some way. But it’s not. No way, no how. In order to be doing something right, it is bad business practice to focus only on existing franchises and, therefore, it is right to focus solely on creating new products and brands to keep the companies catalogue strong, versatile and different. Why focus all of your creative energy on creating something really great as an extension of an existing brand when you can start completely from scratch, with a brand that nobody has heard of, and one that nobody can really guarantee quality with? That would be insanely stupid, and an incredibly bad business move.

How can they fix this problem of having popular, iconic and memorable franchises? Easily. They can construct a time machine with all of the money they have earned over the years and simply murder the person, or people, behind these great franchises. They can then replace them with Activision executives, people that are known to be the foremost experts in creating a large variety of experiences and milking the most popular examples.

2. Hiring competent staff and second party studios.

Nintendo, once again being incredibly bad at making games themselves, has often relied on third-party studios to make their superior quality franchises feel new and even more superior. This is generally a terrible move in general. I mean, who can remember some of the worst video games in history? We can’t. However, we can remember some of the best, and they were by second party studios on Nintendo’s bankroll.

This is clearly wrong. Why is it completely wrong? Because. Remember how great a game Donkey Kong 64 was? How about the widely popular and successful Metroid Prime series? Having second party studios handle these projects is a disaster for gamers and business alike. Great experiences handled by a multitude of developers is clearly killing the gaming industry by strangling it with creativity. Why should we have great and inspirational titles from developers that respect the franchise they’re working on when you could be playing something completely original in name, but that is really just a generic clone of the big named corridor shooter that punishes you for even trying to be clever about how you play. That isn’t even going to be a rhetorical question. It’s a statement. A statement on where the gaming industry, nay, Nintendo should clearly be heading.

Nintendo can easily fix this particular problem of theirs by simply cutting any and all second party studios and instead opt for hiring third-party studios that may or may not respect the franchises they’re working on. They shouldn’t screen them for quality either. In fact, they should go even further and instead of having a third-party studio design games based on Nintendo franchises, Nintendo should instead develop games based on third-party franchises. How did we not see this before? Imagine how much more of the same we could have if all of the game studios and developers all focused on making games in the vein of whatever is popular at the time! Also, if they’re doing it respectfully, they’re doing it wrong. It’s gotta exploit the gamers at home first.


3. Being innovative.

Trying new things and expanding your existing catalogue is a massive bane to any healthy business. Ask anyone. In fact, if you take a course in business, they will tell you that expansion is a good thing, having new products and trying to innovate are things that you should be doing. You know what. Nintendo is wrong for following this advice. Why is that? Because that advice, in and of itself, is faulty. Nobody should ever be recommending a company do something new or try and branch out.

Following faulty advice like this will surely lead a company into ruin. The Wii was clearly a successful device that sold to absolutely everyone and everything with a wallet. Clearly then, was Nintendo doing something completely wrong. What else followed this trend of branching out and trying to innovate? The Nintendo DS. What a successful product that was. If we were looking at how many units a device has sold, or the amount of time players spend in front of them, then we could almost assume that Nintendo was doing something right. But you know what? Nintendo was wrong. Nintendo is always wrong. Nintendo was so wrong in this instance that it’s not even funny. Like, we can’t even begin to describe just how bad Nintendo screwed up with that device. So you’ll just have to take our word for it.

This is probably the easiest thing to fix in the entire world. All Nintendo have to do, really, is ignore any kind of idea that they have that they think will be successful and instead run with the ones that they know will fail. It’s such a no-brainer, all of the most successful businesses do this all of the time, so it’s only natural that since Nintendo needs to be fixed, that they too should be doing what everyone else is doing in this regard. Only running with proven technologies and using them exactly the same way all of your competitors are using them is simply key to having a unique brand in a competitive marketplace. Nintendo, fix it. Be the same as everyone else.

4. Not having a rapid production schedule for core games.

Nintendo, you really need to stop taking so long in releasing your core games. Three years is way too long of a minimum for a new release. Heck, we didn’t even get an F-Zero game during the Wii’s lifespan. And what about Pikmin fans? How long did it take them to receive a third game? Taking way too long here Nintendo.

By having a rapid release schedule, Nintendo, you are free to drain yourselves entirely of any creativity that could go into these core franchises of yours. Having a massive and open Zelda experience is not something that would be beneficial to anybody. Why have an epic and fun experience? Why? Why would you even want to. It’s proven that gamers just want to buy anything and everything. So why try? Why make yourself a brand associated with quality when you can be associated with quantity?

Nintendo, this is an easy problem to solve. First, you must get all of your core franchises. Second, you must make less full, less complete and more rushed experiences so that you can release more of them at an increased rate. If you don’t have one of each core game coming out once every 9 months, you’re clearly doing it wrong. Less quality, more quantity. Please.

(Aside: Can we please have another F-Zero? We’re going on 8 years now.)

5. Fuck Microsoft.

The reason that Nintendo needs fixing most, is that they’re doing things wrong by not snapping up Microsofts charms and doing the dirty with them. We mean, clearly, every company that has switched to Microsofts side has clearly been a massive success story that has clearly fixed their company into this great and awesome symbol of gaming. Nintendo would be absolutely foolish not to follow their example.

Not fucking Microsoft is clearly such a losing formula that it would be pointless to even elaborate on the point. So we wont. At all. Ever. Good luck getting that elaboration out of us.

This is easily the fastest and best way to fix Nintendo. All that Nintendo has to do is whip out its massive dick and make Microsoft call it baby. With all the money shared between partners, Nintendo could divorce Microsoft and live forever as a billionairess. This will allow them to fix themselves up with cars and mansions for show. And that is how we know that they have been truly fixed.

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  • brianc6234

    How to fix Nintendo? Dump the Wii U and make games for the PS4. That will fix them. Nintendo doesn’t have any idea how to make consoles anymore.

    • Gaming Admiral

      You say it like you mean it.

  • Raphael Kauffmann

    I get you, I really do. Your points are great. But is it realy necessary to be a total dick about it? I get it satire is so cool right now, but seriously get your shit together.

    • Gaming Admiral